Gespreks tool
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Mag ik eerst uitzoomen?
Een gesprekstool in de vorm van een 4-stappenkaart die je mee kunt nemen naar gesprekken met instanties.
Voor ouders die na scheiding merken dat hun verhaal van eenzijdig geweld en onveiligheid wordt beoordeeld vanuit het vechtscheidingsframe, waardoor het proces vastloopt.
Je zit in een gesprek met een instantie.
Je doet wat je logisch lijkt. Je verhaal delen, je zorgen uitspreken. Je vertelt wat de impact op je kind(eren) is.
Je bereidt je voor, je weegt je woorden, je probeert zorgvuldig te zijn.
En iedere keer komt het woord "conflict" terug of "communicatie". Je voelt aan alles: ze begrijpen niet waar ik in zit en ze denken dat ik in strijd ben met mijn ex.
Je spanning en stress loopt op, want als zij niet zien of inschatten wat jij dagelijks ervaart? Dat alles wat je doet tot vernieling leidt? Meer controle? Meer agressie? Meer manipulatie? Niet eens omdat wat je probeert te bereiken met de andere ouder raar is, maar puur omdat jíj het bent die het zegt? Wat dan??
Je hebt hun hulp heel hard nodig, dus je doet nóg beter je best. Je legt uit, je geeft details, je geeft voorbeelden van wat jij meemaakt. Ze móeten het ook wel gaan begrijpen, want........ En zo wordt je wanhoop steeds groter. Je raakt ook getriggerd want je bént niet medeverantwoordelijk voor wat de ander doet en toch is "de ontstane situatie de verantwoordelijkheid van beide ouders".
Wanneer het vechtscheidingsframe het uitgangspunt is,
wordt jouw verhaal automatisch gelezen als onderdeel van een conflict tussen twee ouders.
Jouw verhaal hoeft niet eens onduidelijk te zijn.
Maar het vertrekpunt van waaruit gekeken wordt is bepalend voor wat er gezien kan worden.
Ook als jij iets anders probeert te laten zien.
Veel ouders merken dat ze, naarmate het gesprek stroever wordt:
meer context gaan geven
preciezer gaan uitleggen
extra voorbeelden aanleveren
misverstanden vóór proberen te zijn
leugens van de andere ouder weerleggen
Dat is begrijpelijk.
En tegelijk is dit vaak het moment waarop het proces juist verder vast kan komen te zitten.
Een metafoor die dit helder maakt
Het is alsof je probeert een slot te openen met steeds meer kracht,
terwijl de sleutel niet past.
Niet meer duwen helpt dan,
maar eerst samen kijken: past deze sleutel eigenlijk wel bij dit slot?
Zolang die vraag niet onderzocht wordt,
leidt meer uitleg zelden tot meer helderheid.
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Gespreks tool
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Mag ik eerst uitzoomen?
Een gesprekstool in de vorm van een 4-stappenkaart die je mee kunt nemen naar gesprekken met instanties.
Voor ouders die na scheiding merken dat hun verhaal van eenzijdig geweld en onveiligheid wordt beoordeeld vanuit het vechtscheidingsframe, waardoor het proces vastloopt.
Je zit in een gesprek met een instantie.
Je doet wat je logisch lijkt. Je verhaal delen, je zorgen uitspreken. Je vertelt wat de impact op je kind(eren) is.
Je bereidt je voor, je weegt je woorden, je probeert zorgvuldig te zijn.
En iedere keer komt het woord "conflict" terug of "communicatie". Je voelt aan alles: ze begrijpen niet waar ik in zit en ze denken dat ik in strijd ben met mijn ex.
Je spanning en stress loopt op, want als zij niet zien of inschatten wat jij dagelijks ervaart? Dat alles wat je doet tot vernieling leidt? Meer controle? Meer agressie? Meer manipulatie? Niet eens omdat wat je probeert te bereiken met de andere ouder raar is, maar puur omdat jíj het bent die het zegt? Wat dan??
Je hebt hun hulp heel hard nodig, dus je doet nóg beter je best. Je legt uit, je geeft details, je geeft voorbeelden van wat jij meemaakt. Ze móeten het ook wel gaan begrijpen, want........ En zo wordt je wanhoop steeds groter. Je raakt ook getriggerd want je bént niet medeverantwoordelijk voor wat de ander doet en toch is "de ontstane situatie de verantwoordelijkheid van beide ouders".
Wanneer het vechtscheidingsframe het uitgangspunt is,
wordt jouw verhaal automatisch gelezen als onderdeel van een conflict tussen twee ouders.
Jouw verhaal hoeft niet eens onduidelijk te zijn.
Maar het vertrekpunt van waaruit gekeken wordt is bepalend voor wat er gezien kan worden.
Ook als jij iets anders probeert te laten zien.
Veel ouders merken dat ze, naarmate het gesprek stroever wordt:
meer context gaan geven
preciezer gaan uitleggen
extra voorbeelden aanleveren
misverstanden vóór proberen te zijn
leugens van de andere ouder weerleggen
Dat is begrijpelijk.
En tegelijk is dit vaak het moment waarop het proces juist verder vast kan komen te zitten.
Een metafoor die dit helder maakt
Het is alsof je probeert een slot te openen met steeds meer kracht,
terwijl de sleutel niet past.
Niet meer duwen helpt dan,
maar eerst samen kijken: past deze sleutel eigenlijk wel bij dit slot?
Zolang die vraag niet onderzocht wordt,
leidt meer uitleg zelden tot meer helderheid.
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Je hebt niets verkeerd gedaan, je hebt ook niet gezegd dat de andere ouder een "narcist" is, "pathologisch leugenaar" of een "borderliner"
Dit gaat over dat de bril waarmee gekeken wordt bepaalt wat er gezien wordt.
Je hoeft jezelf niet te verbeteren of beter je best te doen.
Je gaat een ánder gesprek voeren.
Je haalt het gesprek én jezelf uit de details om samen te kijken naar: Hebben we het wel over hetzelfde probleem?
Deze gesprekstool ondersteunt je om:
uit te zoomen wanneer inhoud geen beweging meer brengt
samen te onderzoeken welk probleem eigenlijk centraal staat
jezelf te behoeden voor over-uitleg en verdediging
regie te ervaren, ook binnen een complex proces
Niet door het frame of een persoon aan te vallen.
Maar door het bespreekbaar te maken.
Je stapt even uit de details
en nodigt de ander uit om mee te kijken naar het kader.
Dat maakt ruimte voor een ander gesprek, ook midden in een lopend overleg.
Het is net zoals het stapje terug doen als je met een sleutel in een hangslot probeert hem te openen, maar het lukt maar niet. Harder met de sleutel duwen helpt niet, maar wel "kijken of het wel de goede sleutel is bij dit hangslot"
Dit is ook een innerlijke beweging
Want naast het gesprek met de ander,
is er ook het gesprek dat je met jezelf voert.
Van:
“Als ik het maar goed genoeg uitleg…”
naar:
“Ik mag eerst onderzoeken of we hetzelfde probleem voor ogen hebben.”
Dat is geen stap terug.
Door uit te zoomen, verander je niet het onderwerp,
maar het niveau van het gesprek.
Je hebt niets verkeerd gedaan, je hebt ook niet gezegd dat de andere ouder een "narcist" is, "pathologisch leugenaar" of een "borderliner"
Dit gaat over dat de bril waarmee gekeken wordt bepaalt wat er gezien wordt.
Je hoeft jezelf niet te verbeteren of beter je best te doen.
Je gaat een ánder gesprek voeren.
Je haalt het gesprek én jezelf uit de details om samen te kijken naar: Hebben we het wel over hetzelfde probleem?
Deze gesprekstool ondersteunt je om:
uit te zoomen wanneer inhoud geen beweging meer brengt
samen te onderzoeken welk probleem eigenlijk centraal staat
jezelf te behoeden voor over-uitleg en verdediging
regie te ervaren, ook binnen een complex proces
Niet door het frame of een persoon aan te vallen.
Maar door het bespreekbaar te maken.
Je stapt even uit de details
en nodigt de ander uit om mee te kijken naar het kader.
Dat maakt ruimte voor een ander gesprek, ook midden in een lopend overleg.
Het is net zoals het stapje terug doen als je met een sleutel in een hangslot probeert hem te openen, maar het lukt maar niet. Harder met de sleutel duwen helpt niet, maar wel "kijken of het wel de goede sleutel is bij dit hangslot"
Dit is ook een innerlijke beweging
Want naast het gesprek met de ander,
is er ook het gesprek dat je met jezelf voert.
Van:
“Als ik het maar goed genoeg uitleg…”
naar:
“Ik mag eerst onderzoeken of we hetzelfde probleem voor ogen hebben.”
Dat is geen stap terug.
Door uit te zoomen, verander je niet het onderwerp,
maar het niveau van het gesprek.
Leer mij dit
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"Mag ik eerst uitzoomen" is dé gesprekstool voor ouders die:
👉ervaren dat hun zorgen worden geplaatst binnen het vechtscheidingsdenken
👉merken dat dit maakt dat oplossingen niet zullen gaan passen
👉zoeken naar manieren om samen bij het juiste vertrekpunt uit te komen
👉voelen dat het beeld dat van hen en de situatie ontstaat risico’s met zich meebrengt
👉niet hárder willen vechten, maar ook niet willen verdwijnen
👉met eenzijdig geweld en/of onveiligheid te maken hebben
Je kunt de 4-stappenkaart gebruiken om op tafel te leggen tijdens een (lopend) gesprek. Je kunt er ook voor kiezen om een procesgesprek aan te vragen. Hierbij lukt het ook vaak om dit individueel te doen. Je gaat het niet hebben over de inhoud van de situatie, maar uitzoomen op "kijken we naar hetzelfde?".
Met de uitgebreide handleiding erbij kun je een gesprek voorbereiden, het erbij pakken tijdens een gesprek en na een gesprek voor jezelf terugblikken en er woorden aan geven.
Hoe zou het voor je zijn als jij:
✨met meer rust gesprekken ingaat?
✨herkent wanneer uitleg geen beweging meer brengt?
✨uitzoomt en weet hoe je dit kan doen?
✨je eigen positie zorgvuldig blijft innemen?
✨iets tastbaars bij je hebt dat je op tafel kunt leggen om het gesprek mee te dragen?
✨kunt voelen, bij wat de uitkomst ook is, dat je hebt gedaan wat binnen je vermogen lag?
Wat je krijgt:
Een 4-stappenkaart in hoge resolutie digitaal in 3 verschillende formaten (A3, A4, A5) inclusief logo van Jouw koers in veiligheid met onderschrift: "regie nemen en beschermen wanneer samenwerken niet mogelijk is".
1 uitgebreide handleiding en mindset-document.
1 voorbeeldmail.
"Mag ik eerst uitzoomen" is dé gesprekstool voor ouders die:
👉ervaren dat hun zorgen worden geplaatst binnen het vechtscheidingsdenken
👉merken dat dit maakt dat oplossingen niet zullen gaan passen
👉zoeken naar manieren om samen bij het juiste vertrekpunt uit te komen
👉voelen dat het beeld dat van hen en de situatie ontstaat risico’s met zich meebrengt
👉niet hárder willen vechten, maar ook niet willen verdwijnen
👉met eenzijdig geweld en/of onveiligheid te maken hebben
Je kunt de 4-stappenkaart gebruiken om op tafel te leggen tijdens een (lopend) gesprek. Je kunt er ook voor kiezen om een procesgesprek aan te vragen. Hierbij lukt het ook vaak om dit individueel te doen. Je gaat het niet hebben over de inhoud van de situatie, maar uitzoomen op "kijken we naar hetzelfde?".
Met de uitgebreide handleiding erbij kun je een gesprek voorbereiden, het erbij pakken tijdens een gesprek en na een gesprek voor jezelf terugblikken en er woorden aan geven.
Hoe zou het voor je zijn als jij:
✨met meer rust gesprekken ingaat?
✨herkent wanneer uitleg geen beweging meer brengt?
✨uitzoomt en weet hoe je dit kan doen?
✨je eigen positie zorgvuldig blijft innemen?
✨iets tastbaars bij je hebt dat je op tafel kunt leggen om het gesprek mee te dragen?
✨kunt voelen, bij wat de uitkomst ook is, dat je hebt gedaan wat binnen je vermogen lag?
Wat je krijgt:
Een 4-stappenkaart in hoge resolutie digitaal in 3 verschillende formaten (A3, A4, A5) inclusief logo van Jouw koers in veiligheid met onderschrift: "regie nemen en beschermen wanneer samenwerken niet mogelijk is".
1 uitgebreide handleiding en mindset-document.
1 voorbeeldmail.
